Andrew Christian

The VICE Guide to Being Gay

Gay was invented by two guys in the city of Sodom in 254 BC. Since then, tons and tons of men have been enjoying sex with other men. But, as fun and as normal as that is, LOADS of people have a problem with it. In fact, lots of people think that putting a dick anywhere near another man's bum or mouth hole is basically the same as wiping it all over God's toothbrush. Because of this, "gay shit" remains a controversial subject best avoided at religious events, or in the presence of idiots.

Here is VICE's comprehensive guide to everything you ever wanted to know about gayness, but were too afraid to ass.

Oh, and lesbians, we know you're gay too. But this is a guide to gay stuff for guys. You'll get your own guide soon.

Anal Sex 
Apparently 15 percent of gay guys don't ever do anal sex. If any of that 15 percent are reading this, YOU SHOULD TRY IT! Until you've had your bell rung from the inside, you haven't rung your bell at all. Sure, it's gonna hurt the first few times, but fuck it, get your boy to stick it in your lil' bum and cum, cum, and cum again! It's great! One warning though, if you go down the rabbit hole enough times, eventually you're going to find a rabbit. But in this case, that "rabbit" is "poop."
~ Honorable mentions: Alt gays, ABBA.

Being So Bored in Gay Clubs That You Just Watch the Video Wall All Night 
The gay scene fucking sucks. But if you want to have sex even a little bit, you're going to have to take part in it eventually. You'd think that there'd be a gay bar out there that would cater to you, what with all the bear bars, the daddy bars, the punk gay bars, the sissy-bounce gay bars, the Mexican cowboy gay bars, the square-dancing gay bars, and the gay bars for people with ginger hair fetishes (these are all real gay bars I've been to, BTW). But nope. No matter where you go, you're gonna be hearing the same remix of "We Found Love" four times in an hour. And holy shit are you gonna get bored.
~ Honorable mentions: Bears, brunch, Broadway, Butt Magazine, Billy Eichner,"bisexuals," bisexuals, Bret Easton Ellis, bigots.




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